Thoughts in a bar
by Witchytara25
Summary: Sometimes, the truth can come when you least expect it


A/N; Damn muses, won't leave me alone now. However, this story is…I'm still not quite sure I have Alex and Olivia completely in character. However, here is my second story starring Olivia/Alex. Long before Criminal Minds, Paget Brewster and Emily Prentiss came into my life, there was Law and Order: SVU, Mariska Hargitay, Stephanie March and the Alex/Olivia pairing. (If you tell me there is no sexual tension between these characters, I will argue that point for days). I also will pretend that Conviction never happened because I hated what they did to Alex on the show.

Disclaimer: Not mine. These characters show and whatever else belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm just a broke fanfiction writer who has been inclined to revisit the first pairing she ever fell in love with.

You motion for the bartender to bring you your fifth drink of the night. You realize that getting drunk isn't going to help the problem, but right now, you don't care. At least if you drinking, you're going to get so drunk that maybe, just maybe, you'll forget the pain you feel.

You wish there was a pill or something that could help you forget. Forget that you love her. _Love. _A foreign concept in your world. You were raised by a woman who couldn't even look you in the face because she was reminded every day of your life that she was raped. You weren't worth love. She told you that time and time again when she went on her drunken binges. It's why you found yourself engaged at sixteen to one of her students. You thought it was your only escape.

And maybe, looking back on it, a way to get attention from your mother.

However, it blew up in your face, like everything else in your life seemed to. You broke off the engagement, worked your way through school and became a cop. You love your job, the only tangible thing that is in your life, no matter how much it can get to you. You wouldn't trade your years in SVU for anything. You feel like you make a difference; you can actually empathize with the victims, even though the cases tear at your heart.

However, what you can't handle is the fact that the one woman you love more than your job doesn't seem to feel the same way. When she left, you felt like your world had blown apart. The time you had to be apart from her felt like a knife in your heart. You knew, as she was lying there on the ground, the blood flowing out of her, that you loved her. You tried to tell her with your eyes, and in every pleading word that followed as you begged her to stay with you.

However, when she went into WITSEC, you world fell apart. You drove yourself harder and harder with work. You blocked everything out, until you could convince yourself that the pain was gone, that you didn't need her and your work was all you needed. It was at night, when the tears soaked your pillow that the darkness settled around you, that you could let go the façade that you kept during the day.

The nights you called out for her, to come back, for one more night, so you could tell her how you felt. So you could take her into your arms and tell her what you were always so afraid to tell her. However, the dreams that haunted you made sleep impossible.

Then she came back.

You remember when she came back and you were elated, scared and pissed all at once. Elated because maybe you could have a chance to make things right. Scared because you knew if you were alone with her, you would give into your feelings and break at her feet. Pissed because she couldn't be bothered to tell you that she was back in town.

"_So, Alex, I have to find out through the grapevine that your back?"_

"Liv?" she whispered, not turning around.

"Yes, Alex. Now, I want to know, why I didn't at least warrant a phone call or a visit."

"_It's complicated." _

"_Complicated, huh? So, you can tell everyone else your back but me? I thought we were better friends than that."_

_She looks at you and takes a step closer, but you back away. "I just had to see for myself." Your eyes roam over her and you notice the ring on her left hand. "Engaged, huh? I guess the night you told me you were in love with me doesn't mean anything anymore."_

_She shook her head and said softly, "Liv…wait."_

"No. It's okay. I was just an experiment. A test. You didn't really love me. It's okay." 

"_Goddamn it, Olivia. It's complicated." She ran a hand through her hair, sighing in frustration._

"_Complicated, how? You're engaged." You turn back towards the door "Have a good life, Alex."_

"Olivia….wait." She grabs your jacket before you can retreat and spins you around. You look at the blue eyes and have to fight with yourself not to brush a strand of hair out of her face. "It's just…"

"Just what, Alex? A sham? Or was that your feelings for me?"

_Blue eyes blazed in anger as she looked at you. "I assure you, I never say anything I don't mean."_

"Then what? What's with the ring? The not telling me you were back from WITSEC? Oh, I get it; I'm not on the fast track for your political career." She looks at you, anger still evident in her blue eyes. "It's okay, I get it. It was fun while it lasted."

Before you can remove your arm, she pulls you towards her, and before you can think, she kisses you hard and fast, crushing her lips against yours. You whimper and try to pull back, but she holds on tight. You try and fight still, but give up, knowing you surrender to this kiss, to her. Suddenly, she pulls back and you look at her, speechless.

"_Olivia…I…"_

_Before she can finish that thought, you turn and walk out of her office, afraid that your heart can't take what she's about to say._

Now you sit here on your fifth drink of the night, a pleasant buzz in your hand. Still, you're not drunk enough for your liking. You motion the bartender down and he looks at you, handing you another beer. You take a long drink and sigh, knowing there isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you forget her.

The bartender starts to say something, but suddenly moves away from the bar as a voice behind you whispers "Liv?"

_"Okay, I am officially drunk if I'm imagining her standing behind me in a dive on the edge of town." _You think to yourself. You take another long drink of your beer and sigh, looking down into the bottom of the bottle. You shake your head to clear your thoughts, knowing that no matter how hard you try, you will never forget her.

Suddenly a slim, pale hand rests on top of yours as you go to take another drink. You turn around, and blink. "Lex?" you say quietly, unbelievingly. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off with your fiancé?" you spit out the last word.

"Liv let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain. You're engaged to be married. You're going to have the life you've always dreamed of, the political career you've always wanted. I'm just a cop."

"Goddamn it, why do you have to be so stubborn and bullheaded all the time?" she sighs in frustration and you notice that the ring isn't on her left hand anymore. "I never loved him."

"Then why did you become engaged?" _I really need another drink to hear this story._

"I told you…it was complicated. I was engaged as Emily, not as Alex." She sighed again. "He knew I loved you. He was a nice man, a good man. But that's just it, he was a man. He held me when I needed to be held. He wiped away my tears when I was screaming from the nightmares over Valdez. He knew about you. He never judged. He understood. I never told him who I really was, but he knew about you. He asked to marry me, never knowing that who I said I was wasn't really me."

You take another drink and she says quietly, "I never thought you'd want to see me after I got back. I know I told you I loved you, and that never changed in all the time I was away. If anything, it was made worse by the fact that I couldn't see you, touch you, hear your voice." The voice, which has been fighting back tears, said quietly, so softly, that you had to lean to hear it, "I tried not to love you. I didn't think it was fair. However, it tore me apart day after day."

"So why couldn't you bother to at least tell me that you were back? You owed me that much, Alex."

"I know I did. Do. I know I owe you so much. However, I was afraid. I was afraid if I saw you, I'd forget everything I told myself. I'd throw myself at you and beg you to take me back."

"You being gone for four years, it hurt. Every night, while you were lying in bed with your fiancé, I was crying in the darkness, clutching the pillow." You look at her and say quietly, "I never stopped loving you, but I can't keep going on this merry go round. You're my everything Alex; I almost fell apart while you were gone. I'd give up everything for you. But…I got to know if you feel the same way or not. If I'm grasping at straws or chasing the wind."

She chokes back a sob at your words, the tears falling down her face, "Lex?"

She looks at you, and in that instant everything fades away. You two are the only two people in the world. You wipe her tears away and she closes her eyes, saying so softly, "I love you. I always have. I always will."

You whimper at those words and lean forward, capturing her lips in a kiss. A kiss so different than the one in the office. This kiss is tender, sweet. You pull back and say quietly, "Let's get out of here."

She nods and pulls you to your feet. You sway slightly and she smirks through the tears. "My touch makes you lightheaded, Detective?"

"Could be that. Or the beer. Probably the beer."

"How about I show you how my touch can make you sway back at your apartment?"

You close your eyes and she pulls you to her, leaning up and kissing you. In that kiss, you realize that everything you went through for all the years she was gone, all the pain, while not worth it, was leading up to this moment. You grab the back of her neck and pull her closer, not giving a damn where you are.

The kiss deepens and in that moment, and when she seeks entrance to your mouth, you willingly give it, submitting in that moment to the emotions that are flowing between the both of you. You're done fighting what you're feeling. You're done trying to forget about everything that happened between the two of you. You know that in this moment, you love this woman. You love this woman with every fiber of your being.

But does she feel the same? She says she does, but how long will her feelings last? Pulling back, she looks up at you and you see in her eyes questions that she doesn't realize that she's asking. You try to smile at her, but instead, a lone tear escape down your cheek. She wipes it away and says quietly, "I love you. If I have to spend every day proving it, I will. I know you have no reason to believe me. But I will prove it to you. Even if it takes me the next sixty years."

"But your political career?"

"Means nothing if you're not here. You're worth more than a political career. You're worth more than anything in the world."

In that moment, you start to believe that maybe, just maybe, for once in your life you can be happy. That you can have everything that you've ever dreamed of having. She smiles at you and says quietly, "Come on, Detective, let's go home."


End file.
